Breathe In, Breathe Out
by quintessenceofstars
Summary: Addison and Mark, Warning: Character death. Sorry about jumbledness in the beginning...the word document would not cooperate


Title: Breathe In, Breathe Out

Pairing: Addison/Mark

Warnings: Character Death

A/N: Not really sure where this came from but I think it turned out pretty good. It made me cry writing it...I felt a little pathetic. But I think it's good so let me know what you think!

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Breathe In, Breathe Out

_"__Breathe in, breathe out__Tell me all of your doubts__Everybody bleeds this way, just the same__Breathe in, breathe out__Move on and break down__"_

_- Mat Kearney_

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It was her daughter who found her first, curled up in the navy feather duvet.

"Mama?"

Addison moved the blankets so she could see the redheaded three year old peering up at her. This invoked a giggle and a proclamation that she was 'silly'. Addison smiled briefly at her daughter's innocent happiness but it also brought a sense of sadness and hurt. The little girl seemed to sense something was wrong and struggled to climb up onto the bed.

After successfully completing her mission she crawled over Addison's sore body and planted a light kiss on the tip of her nose, batting her feathery eyelashes against her damp cheek,

"I love you mama."

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Hearing the diagnosis for the first time hurt almost as much as the disease itself. The word was raw and cut into her soul as the doctor announced that she was suffering from a rare form of

"Cancer."

She felt Mark tense next to her and his grip tightened on her hand, making her wedding band cut into the base of her finger. She moved her right hand to the base of her still flat stomach and questioned the doctor with regards to her unborn baby. The news wasn't good, on the sonogram they hadn't detected a heartbeat. She would most likely miscarry in the next twenty four hours.

That night as she placed a hand over her empty, aching womb, she and Mark cried together for the first time. Ever.

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Looking at her three year old and knowing the pain she would have to go through because of her mother hurt Addison more than anything in the world. So she wrapped the little girl up in a pooh bear blanket and watched Cinderella while eating peanut butter on soda crackers before kissing her all over and telling her she loved her. And later she wept.

She spent more time with her little girl than ever but she didn't tell her. To have to explain cancer to a three year old was more than she could handle so when she was admitted to the hospital they told her mommy was very sick but she would be coming home soon. Addison didn't bother thinking about what would happen if for some reason she never did come home.

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As she turned four, Ella became a strangely sullen child. She didn't like to play with others, but preferred to stay by Addison's side, no matter how ill she was feeling. Mark worried about her and tried to involve her in play groups and after school activities but she wasn't interested. She saw a psychiatrist but he simply told them that she was dealing with Addison's illness as best she could.

Addison and Mark discussed it and they finally bought her a dog; a middle aged golden retriever named Polly. The young girl still did not liven, but spent days lying around the house next to Addison, Polly curled up at their feet. Addison hugged her daughter close and planted soft kisses in her vanilla scented curls, wishing that she would open up and join in the other children's games.

One night while Addison was in the hospital Mark found Ella curled up in their pillows, crying quietly. He held her tight and kissed her forehead, assuring her that everything would be alright. Yet, as he looked down into her trusting, soulful eyes he wondered whether making such a promise was the right thing to do.

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When Addison got really sick Ella went to stay with Miranda for a few days and for the first time in a long time Mark and Addison watched her interact with another child, Tucker. For some unseen reason the two seemed to click and as Addison remained in the hospital their friendship flourished. Perhaps it was because Tucker knew enough about medicine and cancer to prevent him from asking questions. Whatever it was, it brought them together and Addison and Mark were relieved to watch their daughter form a solid relationship.

Addison was grateful for her daughter's happiness but she couldn't help but wonder how long it would last and whether she would be the one to rob her daughter of what she had just discovered.

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They decided to try a new form of radiation combined with the strongest chemo available and it seemed to work. Addison was discharged from the hospital, full of new hope and energy. She spent her days taking short walks with Mark and Ella, baking cookies and making "surprise lunches" for Ella in the afternoon. She visited Callie and Miranda, played with Polly in the backyard and arranged play dates for Ella and Tucker. She even managed to host a small birthday party for Ella when she turned five. She returned to the oncologist weekly and things seemed to be looking up, the tumours were shrinking and she hadn't felt this good in a long time.

Then one evening, just as Mark and Addison were beginning to breathe a long sigh of relief, Mark woke to find Addison seizing next to him. They'd taken an ambulance to the hospital and Mark had taken a seat outside the exam room as Derek assessed her. Ella had curled up in his lap, eyes wide and frightened, and she'd remained silent for almost an hour as they waited for Derek to finish with Addison.

When he finally came out his eyes were sad and he looked defeated, "It's in her brain and it's aggressive. There's nothing more we can do."

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The next few days were absolute hell, the tumour in Addison's brain grew rapidly and she continued to suffer seizures even with everything Derek was trying to do for her. Addison, Ella and Mark were surrounded by friends and family. Both Derek and Miranda remained by their sides the entire time, until asked politely to leave.

Addison came to recognize that she had little time left and tried to spend every waking moment with Mark and Ella. She let Mark climb into her hospital bed after Ella had fallen asleep, for the sole purpose of holding her close and breathing in the scent of her hair. Ella spent the day curled up at her mother's side, listening to children's stories and letting Addison comb her wispy hair.

On Friday, December 14th Addison hit a rough patch. She had intense, unending headaches that drove her almost to the point of tears. She invited Ella and Mark to her side and kissed them both, telling them how much she loved them. She cradled her tiny daughter in her arms and let Mark pull her into his embrace . She could feel both of their tears on her flesh and shook her head,

"Promise me, promise me you won't be sad too long."

Ella looked up at her with tears coursing down her cheeks and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek, "I promise, but I'll miss you forever and ever."

Addison began to sob and held her family close as Mark bent next to her and kissed her neck, whispering, "Me too."

And that night, just past midnight Addison slipped away from them, leaving behind a strong but devastated family.

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Ella looked over and smiled as her own daughter ran around in the grass, clutching a handful of daisies,

"Addison, come here for a second."

The little girl did a double take and ran over to her parents. Tucker scooped her up and tossed her in the air, catching her as she came back down. The little girl squealed and wriggled out of her father's grasp, running towards a flowered patch of earth and laying down her own daisies.

Ella smiled and blinked back a few tears before turning and taking her daughter's little hand in her own. Just before she left she ran her hand over the granite tombstone and murmured, "Love you forever Mom."

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_Fin_


End file.
